CrossFit: What you (really) need to know

In further support of your wasted New Year's resolution efforts, I was able to get cult CrossFit coach and fitness model, Pistol Pete, to detail the concerning exciting world of CrossFit for us. As with my previous post about barre class, I have provided the certified advice and made unavoidable revisions to better reflect my experience when attempting a CrossFit WOD (workout of the day, for those who don't interact with cult enthusiasts CrossFitters)

What can I expect when trying CrossFit for the first time?

I won't sugar coat it, it will probably suck; you might will vomit, and you will definitely think about doing terrible things to whoever recommended it to you, if only you were capable of moving your limbs after the workout. There will be a lot of sweat and a few many tears, but hopefully not too much blood (spoiler alert: bleeding either during or following your workout is expected - yes, in your stool). What's more sickening, you’ll probably want to come back the next day and do it all over again have destroyed your body so greatly that you now require intravenous fluids to keep you alive - talk about a great diet!

@pistoledpete

What are the common myths about CrossFit?

The ladies complain CrossFit will make them big and bulky - essentially, they will look like a man, and they're right. For every girl who’s ever said that to me - I say best of luck getting there. You’re the exact girl who will never get “big and bulky,” you don’t have the work ethic; not to mention you slam skinny martinis and/or a bottle of wine every night effectively stripping you of all those gains. (I don't even know how to edit this - what are "gains?" When I work out, I'm looking for losses. The use of the word "gains" should make us all concerned and clearly justifies the ladies' concerns. Also, at least they're not fat martinis - give us some credit, Pistol. We're only on question two and things - not including my BMI - are rapidly declining.)

I also hear, "You need to already be 'fit' to do CrossFit," which is exactly why "fit" is in the name. What's the point of spending all that money and going through all of the fundamental classes Stockholm syndrome introductory juice-drinking sessions if being fit is a requirement? Hey Dumb Dumb, thats the point of CrossFit you pay us to help get you fit, by working you out so hard that you throw up everything you ever ate. Thats the point!

Do I need to have an athletic background to try CrossFit?

Not at all! Probably close to 90% of CrossFitters aren’t. Of course you do - don't embarrass yourself in front of all those former high school athletes. So bring your narp ass in here and stop making excuses. (I confirmed with Pistol that "narp" was not a typo. It stands for "non-athletic regular person," which only further supports how CrossFitters view outsiders.) 

Does CrossFit help me lose weight quickly?

Yes, absolutely YES - it also helps to put down the Doritos and stop stuffing your face with fat and sugar all day. (Looking at you, Seamless Chinese food) That being said, feel free to keep eating the junk and come on in and workout till you puke - yay bulimia-inspired fitness!  

If I decide to try CrossFit, when can I expect to look like you?

Don't hold your breath. To be completely candid, your best bet would be a time machine - that way you can confront your parents and tell them both to find other genetically superior humans to mate with. Oh, and lots and lots of steroids. Also, quit your day job.

I hope Pistol encouraged you to try CrossFit, or perhaps you only stared at his abs instead of reading the actual text (with my helpful edits). I'm pretty sure in that photo he's just wearing a shirt with all those muscles drawn in - though, if you check out his Instagram, he'd need a lot of muscle tees to keep up the charade. Regardless, go check out a CrossFit class in the new year, just don't blame me when it hurts...for days.

Are they falling or jumping? No one knows!

Barre Class: What you (really) need to know

As promised in my first post of the new year, I have some fitness tips from the experts for you attempting-a-resolution-ers (though you've probably given up by now, similar to how I gave up on sober January).

I asked certified barre (the ballet barre, not a fancy French bar serving up cocktails as I first assumed) instructor, Stephanie, to share her tips for first time barre students. Then I adjusted it to make it truthful reflect my first experience with barre. Important to note, I grew up a ballerina and that didn't gain me any points (except with my mother for the first and last time).

What can I expect when trying barre for the first time?

Barre is a ballet-inspired workout, invented by ISIS, that combines elements of dance, yoga, and pilates, and torture. Barre is typically low-impact and involves small repetitive motions that wear out (and strengthen! and sodomize!) your muscles. People often say barre gets harder the more with each passing minute you do it because it takes a few only one classes to find proper form, technique, and body alignment realize you are willingly and idiotically subjecting yourself to suffering and misery, you sadist. Most classes consist of a warm up, an arm series, leg and glute work at the barre, a core series, and a cool down, and burial.

What are the common myths about barre? 

I hear a lot of people are intimidated to try barre because they think they need to have a strong ballet background in order to be successful, and that's completely true. Growing up in a dance studio may make barre more enjoyable for you likely to stir a PTSD flare-up, but at its core, it’s a workout torment, and it really is something anyone can do if you're into pain (and not the fun pain S&M promises). That being said, I have never had a man take my class… so a “myth” with some substance behind it may be that it’s only for girls who enjoy watching other girls in shared pain - as though we won't get enough of that in Trump's America.

Do I need to have an athletic background to try barre?

Nope! Yep, because if you don't, you'll look like an uncoordinated failure among others, further supporting your rank in society. I’ve never done a sport in my life, but I love abusing my body and getting paid to abuse others. Like with any workout, if you’re just starting out with your exercise regimen (hoping it sticks this time), you may find yourself taking breaks and/or hobbling for the door during class more than other students, but with practice/continued self-harm, you will build your strength and endurance over time. Just remember, you'll never be Misty Copeland.

Does barre help me lose weight quickly?

Any form of exercise can help with weight loss when combined with a healthy diet and lifestyle tapeworm and starvation. Barre is great for toning and is recommended in conjunction with cardio (running, spin, sex, etc) for clients whose goal is weight loss. As such, for quick weight loss, I would recommend forgoing the pain and remaining sedentary for optimal comfort - just nix the food!

If I decide to try barre, when can I expect to look like you? 

Well I’ve been doing barre 3x/week for about two years now…so maybe try that? Essentially, no shot.

I hope Stephanie's insights (and my necessary edits) have adequately prepared you to attempt (or completely avoid) a barre class in the new year. New Year, New YOU!

New Year, New You People

If my recent trip home for the holidays taught me anything, it's that I should never go home for the holidays people need to change. If my therapist taught me anything, it's that I need to change (as though that's suddenly going to make my liver function at full capacity). Seeing as I no longer have regular appointments with my therapist, I will focus on the former lesson learned.

Second only to the midnight countdown, the saying "New Year, New Me" is uttered incessantly during the welcoming of a fresh year. Seeing as I have already established my unwillingness to change the irrelevance of me changing, I humbly request that you please work on yourself which would fix my issues (apart from the daddy ones). New Year, New YOU, is all I'm asking. To help get you started, I've come up with a few suggestions:

1. Do only what I say - no questions asked (though, I shouldn't need to specify this).
2. Do not stand within three feet of me unless permission is granted or mandated (e.g. a police lineup).
3. Should you be seated next to me on a flight (and I happen to be in a dreaded middle or aisle seat):
1. Find a new seat.
2. If A is an impossibility, do you really need to be on the flight?
3. If the answer to B is "yes," the following apply:
1. If I am asleep (and this should be obvious as I am a mouth breather during sleep), do not shake me awake (I'm under a blanket - makeshift or otherwise - you can't be effectively certain that you will hit my arm and not grope my breast).
2. Do not make me get up from my seat four separate times on the flight to relieve either yourself or your dog.
3. Do not repeatedly hit said dog (unless it attacks me or looks at me funny).
4. Do not take your time when heading to the lavatory (e.g. do not sit in my seat while you collect yourself on departure or return).
5. Armrests are off limits. 
4. Do not cut me off in traffic (vehicular or pedestrian). If pedestrian, do not suddenly stop in the middle of a sidewalk or hold hands with one or more people the width of the sidewalk, blocking my passage - I will Red Rover the shit out of you and not think twice.
5. Do not hold the train door from closing in protest of the MTA consistently causing you to be late for work (you should undoubtedly see the irony here).
6. Do not decide to start showing up to my regularly attended fitness classes in the month of January only (see number 2).
7. The toilet paper roll does not go under - it is ALWAYS over. Always. 
8. Do not tell me I'm crazy - even if I'm committed.
9. Do not talk to me (like you're my) mom.
10. Do not look at me.

These are merely ten(ish) recommendations. I can only provide so much guidance for how you need to change for me. The rest you'll need to figure out on your own, and I hope you do so quickly. I already have to deal with enough personal anxieties and anguish, do not add to my sleepless nights.

If, for some reason, you find yourself wholly bent on changing in the New Year for yourself (*eye roll*), I will be posting some workout tips from various fitness instructors and/or athletes in the coming weeks. Their knowledge will be provided to you free of charge, but not free of my redline edits. 

Home for the Holidays. Help!

Figuring out the logistics of Christmas travel when you’re in a relationship (one that has reached the level of shared holidays, that is) is something I wish I were better prepared for. One would assume I’d have a great handle on shuffling around to different houses having come from a broken home (referred to lovingly), but I didn’t grow up as one of those privileged kids of divorce. The kids that could leverage the guilt of one parent against the other with multiple birthday celebrations, those who learned the art of negotiation early in life – they were the real victors of divorce (as are the trap queens). My doting dad made a clean exit when he left us, and I was never afforded the learned values of effectively politicking multiple familial gatherings because of it. So, for Christmas this year, I'm made keenly aware of one more daddy issue in my wheelhouse. Thanks, Santa.

This is the first Christmas in a long while that I’m going “home” to Las Vegas. The past three Christmases as a couple, Steven has had to work. So, we stayed in New York and spent the holidays with some of his local extended family. Before we started dating, I used other excuses (e.g. I’m washing my hair) to avoid a Vegas Christmas. Though, more often than not, I simply didn’t want to couldn’t afford it. This year, Steven and I are both off from work and decided to take the full week between Christmas and New Years to visit family. Joy.

Steven absolutely loves spending time with his family. It’s one of the things I love most about him. I absolutely love spending time with myself. It’s one of the things I love most about me. I am also a fan of predictability when it comes to potentially stressful situations. I prefer to drink away the stress have a detailed plan and exit strategy. For this trip, I have been unsuccessful in pinning my family to a specific agenda, which means I am not in possession of a detailed plan or an exit strategy (other than locking down a hotel room for the length of our trip and grabbing a rental car for quick getaways – let’s just hope my mother doesn’t come across one of her many clubs while I’m there.)

As I mentioned in my welcome back post, I no longer have a therapist on retainer, and, as such, bring all complaints about my inadequacies (inadequacies that I can blame on others especially) here. Similar to my inability to suppress the urge to tell complete strangers personal details of my life, I have tried and failed at an effortless bringing together of family traditions in my relationship. I can’t say it’s my first or final failure in my relationship, but I hate losing. I hoped my many years spent as an indentured servant assistant to busy executives would have better prepared me for these scheduling crises. However, I’ve been quickly reminded that you learn much faster as a kid with their stupid spongy brains. So not only could I have been multilingual, I might have avoided unnecessary arguments with my soon-to-be husband had I learned from my parents early on. Thanks for nothing, Santa you fat fictitious motherfucker.

I realize that almost every other couple in existence has had to coordinate the holidays at multiple houses, most of them in different states or continents. I get it. I’m no saint for scheduling two family get-togethers in the same city (though, I would like to point out our families are on opposite sides of town). However, I am coordinating timelines with people I don’t typically deal with in this capacity. I’m very particular about my calendar and knowing when and where I need to be at any given point. My family does not operate like this. They are habitually late and timeline free – fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of people. However, they’re my people, and we’re going to drink more than is required do our best to make this one of the first of many joyous combined family Christmases, Klonopin at the ready.