Thursday, January 5, 2017

New Year, New You People

If my recent trip home for the holidays taught me anything, it's that I should never go home for the holidays people need to change. If my therapist taught me anything, it's that I need to change (as though that's suddenly going to make my liver function at full capacity). Seeing as I no longer have regular appointments with my therapist, I will focus on the former lesson learned.

Second only to the midnight countdown, the saying "New Year, New Me" is uttered incessantly during the welcoming of a fresh year. Seeing as I have already established my unwillingness to change the irrelevance of me changing, I humbly request that you please work on yourself which would fix my issues (apart from the daddy ones). New Year, New YOU, is all I'm asking. To help get you started, I've come up with a few suggestions:
  1. Do only what I say - no questions asked (though, I shouldn't need to specify this).
  2. Do not stand within three feet of me unless permission is granted or mandated (e.g. a police lineup).
  3. Should you be seated next to me on a flight (and I happen to be in a dreaded middle or aisle seat):
    1. Find a new seat.
    2. If A is an impossibility, do you really need to be on the flight?
    3. If the answer to B is "yes," the following apply:
      1. If I am asleep (and this should be obvious as I am a mouth breather during sleep), do not shake me awake (I'm under a blanket - makeshift or otherwise - you can't be effectively certain that you will hit my arm and not grope my breast).
      2. Do not make me get up from my seat four separate times on the flight to relieve either yourself or your dog.
      3. Do not repeatedly hit said dog (unless it attacks me or looks at me funny).
      4. Do not take your time when heading to the lavatory (e.g. do not sit in my seat while you collect yourself on departure or return).
      5. Armrests are off limits. 
  4. Do not cut me off in traffic (vehicular or pedestrian). If pedestrian, do not suddenly stop in the middle of a sidewalk or hold hands with one or more people the width of the sidewalk, blocking my passage - I will Red Rover the shit out of you and not think twice.
  5. Do not hold the train door from closing in protest of the MTA consistently causing you to be late for work (you should undoubtedly see the irony here).
  6. Do not decide to start showing up to my regularly attended fitness classes in the month of January only (see number 2).
  7. The toilet paper roll does not go under - it is ALWAYS over. Always. 
  8. Do not tell me I'm crazy - even if I'm committed.
  9. Do not talk to me (like you're my) mom.
  10. Do not look at me.
These are merely ten(ish) recommendations. I can only provide so much guidance for how you need to change for me. The rest you'll need to figure out on your own, and I hope you do so quickly. I already have to deal with enough personal anxieties and anguish, do not add to my sleepless nights.

If, for some reason, you find yourself wholly bent on changing in the New Year for yourself (*eye roll*), I will be posting some workout tips from various fitness instructors and/or athletes in the coming weeks. Their knowledge will be provided to you free of charge, but not free of my redline edits. 

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