Friday, January 20, 2017

CrossFit: What you (really) need to know

In further support of your wasted New Year's resolution efforts, I was able to get cult CrossFit coach and fitness model, Pistol Pete, to detail the concerning exciting world of CrossFit for us. As with my previous post about barre class, I have provided the certified advice and made unavoidable revisions to better reflect my experience when attempting a CrossFit WOD (workout of the day, for those who don't interact with cult enthusiasts CrossFitters)

What can I expect when trying CrossFit for the first time?
I won't sugar coat it, it will probably suck; you might will vomit, and you will definitely think about doing terrible things to whoever recommended it to you, if only you were capable of moving your limbs after the workout. There will be a lot of sweat and a few many tears, but hopefully not too much blood (spoiler alert: bleeding either during or following your workout is expected - yes, in your stool). What's more sickening, you’ll probably want to come back the next day and do it all over again have destroyed your body so greatly that you now require intravenous fluids to keep you alive - talk about a great diet!

What are the common myths about CrossFit?
The ladies complain CrossFit will make them big and bulky - essentially, they will look like a man, and they're right. For every girl who’s ever said that to me - I say best of luck getting there. You’re the exact girl who will never get “big and bulky,” you don’t have the work ethic; not to mention you slam skinny martinis and/or a bottle of wine every night effectively stripping you of all those gains. (I don't even know how to edit this - what are "gains?" When I work out, I'm looking for losses. The use of the word "gains" should make us all concerned and clearly justifies the ladies' concerns. Also, at least they're not fat martinis - give us some credit, Pistol. We're only on question two and things - not including my BMI - are rapidly declining.)

I also hear, "You need to already be 'fit' to do CrossFit," which is exactly why "fit" is in the name. What's the point of spending all that money and going through all of the fundamental classes Stockholm syndrome introductory juice-drinking sessions if being fit is a requirement? Hey Dumb Dumb, thats the point of CrossFit you pay us to help get you fit, by working you out so hard that you throw up everything you ever ate. Thats the point!

Do I need to have an athletic background to try CrossFit?
Not at all! Probably close to 90% of CrossFitters aren’t. Of course you do - don't embarrass yourself in front of all those former high school athletes. So bring your narp ass in here and stop making excuses. (I confirmed with Pistol that "narp" was not a typo. It stands for "non-athletic regular person," which only further supports how CrossFitters view outsiders.) 

Does CrossFit help me lose weight quickly?
Yes, absolutely YES - it also helps to put down the Doritos and stop stuffing your face with fat and sugar all day. (Looking at you, Seamless Chinese food) That being said, feel free to keep eating the junk and come on in and workout till you puke - yay bulimia-inspired fitness!  

If I decide to try CrossFit, when can I expect to look like you?
Don't hold your breath. To be completely candid, your best bet would be a time machine - that way you can confront your parents and tell them both to find other genetically superior humans to mate with. Oh, and lots and lots of steroids. Also, quit your day job.

I hope Pistol encouraged you to try CrossFit, or perhaps you only stared at his abs instead of reading the actual text (with my helpful edits). I'm pretty sure in that photo he's just wearing a shirt with all those muscles drawn in - though, if you check out his Instagram, he'd need a lot of muscle tees to keep up the charade. Regardless, go check out a CrossFit class in the new year, just don't blame me when it hurts...for days.

Are they falling or jumping? No one knows!

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