Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The List

Oscar Wilde once said, "A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her."  He went on to later say, "If you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em." Or maybe that was Chris Brown. I digress. For a dead guy, Mr. Wilde is pretty spot on. Case in point...

The below email was written with no intent to be read by a woman - ever. I luckily happened upon it by perusing through a boyfriend's email chance. While it lacks the intricate formatting of the excel spreadsheet douche, it does include plenty of eloquently observed details and does not disappoint in length (that's what she said).

Written in 2006, this list was one of many emails from its author that piqued my interest. He has a style unlike any other and paints a beautiful picture with his pot-fueled recollections that are as amusing as they are descriptive.  I might be a satisfied woman if only I possessed the updated version - a list that is sure to have quadrupled in brilliance size (as per usual, I'll have to get by with satisfying myself).

To ensure its authenticity, I will post redacted pictures (obviously, I'm not supposed to have this - or even know it exists) of the email over six parts beginning with its introduction.

It's rather self-explanatory, but I will note that he's for real. He's a womanizer, and he's great at it (he's also pretty fucking good looking).

From the self-proclaimed "Junior Casanova" (click to zoom):

I will take this opportunity to clarify that I am not on this list, which is a bit upsetting seeing as how these women become "immortalized" simply at mere mention. Well, now that they're on a blog for the world to see, I suppose Casanova was right. If you're considering compiling a similar list, might I suggest making the same preparations (e.g. "rippin bowls," "acid jazz," and "trippin out").  Sounds like a lovely little Sunday if I do say so myself.

Obviously, my favorite part of the entire email is "imagine if it got out" (cue my creepy smile and eerie cackle). He even calls himself out for being scumbag - do I hint a small measure of moral fiber? This introduction makes me happy, but the actual descriptions to come are the real cherries on top, or lack thereof (see what I did there?).

To note: The email recipient was, in fact, able to name quite a few more that didn't make the list. He named enough to maintain a high for at least a month from receipt of the many "blunts in the mail" (which is just stupid, because anyone knows you shouldn't send drugs through the mail - that's what poor people drug mules are for).

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