Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2012: Sorry, I'm Not Sorry

Every year, against my consent, my mother sends Christmas cards to family and friends.  These cards, which I vainly hope are discarded immediately upon receipt, contain a page of low-quality pictures and a letter recapping our family's year of activities.  Because my mother only does things her way with complete disregard for how her children feel about these yearly letters is far too busy being so wonderful to bother herself with insignificant details, her letter typically contains a fair amount of typos and inconsistent grammar.  Beyond that, she recaps the year as she experienced it, and refuses to call one of her four miracles to fact-check her stories.  Her annual distortion of reality has finally encouraged me to write my own year-in-review in hopes to catch everyone up on the highlights of my year that they didn't ask to hear about.

  • Friendly interference in my dating life led to holes worn into the crotch of my jeans due to overeager OTPHJs of sorts. 
  • I jumped out of a plane...on purpose.
  • My first floor apartment allowed for easy access to friends trying to get my attention, it's just too bad I tend to be naked when that happens
  • I navigated the dating world with new tactics including speed dating, blind dates, and pure avoidances; all of which helped maintain my singledom for 2012 (at least I did something right). 
  • I was scolded for drunken late night eating.
  • I narrowly dodged police apprehension during a drunken subway ride celebrating America's birthday.  Speaking of America, we did a great job getting that gold.
  • I considered finding a new go-to drinking establishment/apartment/job when unwanted acquaintances showed up at my neighborhood bar.
  • I fell into an accidental ten day bender that prompted an awkward run-in at the salon.
  • An ex chewed me out via email for posting a blurred naked dicture of him only to receive the unedited photo (which I assume he realized was not him) in reply.
  • I successfully avoided a once-in-a-lifetime hurricane the best way I knew how - pour, drink, repeat.
  • The apocalypse we were all looking forward to never happened; which sparks my curiosity - how many people are currently still hunkered down in underground bunkers?  Olly olly oxen free!
2012 - So that happened.

Looking forward to playing, 2013.

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