Thursday, October 25, 2012

What to Expect When You're Ex-Sexting

You read the title of this post and you said to yourself, "Well, nothing good." This is precisely why you're reading and I'm writing. Great things spawn from sexts with an ex...as long as you're on the receiving end (awe, the receiving end). If you should decide to hop on the giving side (what with the holidays coming up and what not), make sure you take the necessary steps to ensure your anonymity: don't photograph your face or any other discernible features, don't send anything to someone you don't already have dirt on (e.g. nudie pics, tax records, etc.), and, most importantly, work your angles - there's nothing worse than an unflattering sext.

We live in an age that dislikes human contact to such extent that we now sex through text (the similar sounds alone warrant question - someone had to know what was coming - see what I did there?). Texting has become the origami-folded-written-on-wide-ruled-loose-leaf notes that once plagued our generation. Those notes contained our deepest secrets: love interests, recent indiscretions, and, more often than not, test answers.  Sure, we could draw sexually explicit pictures in notes, but they were disposed of as easily as virginity at that age, and the only boobs that were sent happened over a calculator (29004 times two anyone?). 

In today's world, notes are passed via text as are the explicit pictures - pictures that can last a lifetime.  It's always been said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and never has that been truer than the sextual intercourse that permeates our society today.  Gone are the days of notes and phone sex. At the sexting rate of today, phone sex might as well jump into bed with the transistor radio. Who needs someone detailing what they're currently doing with a turkey baster using sultry verbs and adjectives when they can simply snap a pic and send it through - insta-porn that doesn't cost you $9.99 (I suppose youporn.com is good for that as well).

I understand the appeal of sending a stranger that special someone a sensual picture of yourself to excite them...when they're on their way to see you (go down a waterslide that isn't wet and you'll see why foreplay is so important).  But, if you're just exchanging pics for the sake of exchanging pics, I'm sorry, but I'd rather buzz one out to a Google image search of Joe Manganiello than your amateur self-portrait.  Why make an already taxing situation more uncomfortable?

Ta-Daa!
The thing is, we can all agree sexting is a bit awkward, right?  I mean, take the gentleman in the photo, for instance.  Nothing says "sexy" like a dicture of you "ta-daa!"-ing your junk. Guys, if you're a frequent sexter, please learn from him - this dicture made it's way to every single one of my friends (I was lucky enough to be on the forwarding list - and, yeah, blurring was done upon receipt, so I got the full visual).  His "ta-daa!" stance coupled with that shit-eating grin dries me up faster than when I learned the opening of a New York City In-N-Out was merely an April Fools' Day Joke.  How is that sexy? I'd much prefer a picture of him getting ravaged from behind because at least there would be one manly figure in the picture.

Additionally, he made the worst mistake a sexter can possibly make - he included his face in the shot.  Everyone knows: never get involved in a land war in Asia, and don't include your face in nudie pics. Safe sexting is so very important.  Really, the only reason I blurred his face is because my friend paid me I don't need him suing me and the internets for his mistakes. If you're not going to cover your junk, cover your face. To remember this notion, I like to recall the words of Smokey the Bear: "Only you can prevent forest fires." Only, instead of "forest fires," we're talking "viral photos/your parent's embarrassment/dinosaurs from laughing." OK, so maybe not that last part, but I love dinosaurs. If he were a dinosaur, he'd be named douchebagasaurus and he'd be the lowest on the food chain - even mosquitoes could take him out. Sorry, I get a bit carried away when it comes to dinosaurs. I digress.

Let's face it, this dicture could've been worse. We could have been subjected to him taking his spirit fingers and wrapping them around his member - subtract a stupid smile and add the vinegar strokes expression (if you had to click that link to figure out what that meant, watch better quality TV...and try having sex with someone other than yourself). Actually, I might have preferred receiving an aggressive picture of that quality. At least I would've known that Ta-Daa! actually functions. I think Jesus might agree when I caution: take the word of a friend with a grain of salt - I can't simply assume that he actually knows how to use it just because my friend maintains they had a thriving sex life. 

Yup, he's a friend's ex, which only strengthens my initial hypothesis - sexting an ex is great. I mean, this is the best dicture in my arsenal (I've received my fair share of raging boner bombs - unsolicited, of course, mom). Again, great to be on the receiving end because, along with thirty other girls (and guys), I was able to laugh until I cried. You see, guys do stupid shit like this all too often, whereas girls consult their friends before sending a sexy picture. Sometimes girls even have those same friends snap it for them to ensure a quality angle (the only people who enjoy mirror shots are the same people you've blocked from your news feed).

In summation, understand that in addition to storing your photo to their yank bank memory, your ex will share it with his/her friends, even if only to brag. So, if you're OK with your picture getting around, then more power to you - sext away (but why not get paid for it a la Playboy?). However, I think good ol' Benji Franklin put it best when he said "Well done is better than well said." Nothing you could say (and no picture you could send) over text will ever be as good as what you can do in person...unless you're ugly - if that's the case, keep to kinky sexts and never send a naked picture - you will undoubtedly have acne-covered nether regions and the only people that don't mind seeing that are convicted felons.

Sext with caution, but forward damaging evidence in haste. 

No comments:

Post a Comment