Friday, December 28, 2012

HOs for the Holidays

I've never been one for group sex because my mom occasionally reads my blog. I suppose I understand its allure should everyone involved be forced to wear paper bags over their heads, but I'm a middle child and a bit of an attention whore (not that it's obvious) - I'd be terrible with all of that sharing. The same can be said for group text.

We've all, at one time or another, sent or received mass texts. Often, these texts are conveying plans or delivering necessary stories to a group specific to the situation.  Too often, these texts are holiday well wishes from lackadaisical "friends" who fail at any attempt to hide their indifference toward you (I reserve that for family). They send out the generic "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy New Year!" text, and don't mind that any response to their message will generate unwanted reply-alls. While annoying, these people aren't the worst of them. 

Fortunately, I make these "worst of them" friends easily (and all-too-frequently). This collection of people are the group messengers who send seemingly specific messages and forget (or are too incompetent to realize) that anyone with an iPhone can see each person included on the message. I provide evidence of such people:

The first dunce in question (screenshot at right) sent a "hey stranger" text to me and two other (assumingly) girls (best Christmas present ever). While I can understand you might have more than one "stranger" in your life, it may be viewed as poor taste to let them all know collectively that your wish is to see them before the new year. Ladies and gentlemen, how not to get back into a girl's pants.

Does the smiley face bring light to the situation? No, because this particular smiley is even more apathetic than the questionable group inclusion - could he not have troubled himself to include a sweet yellow-circle-face? Perhaps the one with heart-eyes? I think I could've gotten past some of his negligence had he put forth a bit more effort in the smiley game. 

Girl One was quick to call out this no-excuse-because-you-have-an-iPhone-and-should-realize-the-grave-mistake-you-made idiot with a  response of "Group message?" Good work Girl One, but your swift reply ruined my chance to respond, "Hey stranger and other strangers, when is everyone free to get together before the new year?" Instead, I had to go with " (thumbs up emoticon)," reflecting my appreciation of Girl One's comeback. Ugh, so inferior. Girl Two was an hour late to the party with, "Who is this? lol" - she had an hour to come up with something more creative. In retrospect, I'm glad Girl One beat me to the punch. Had I elected to send my initial response, I could have been stuck hanging out with some witless dullard (I find enough of those at the bar as it is). 

Likely, the best part of this entire situation is the fact that he had the balls to call me (who calls people?) the next day. I assumed my "Hey stranger" greeting upon picking up would've directed the conversation appropriately (i.e. him owning up to his oversight), instead, he acted as if nothing happened. Maybe he thought I failed to recognize that it was a group chat since my only reply was an up-arrow followed by a superthumbs up? So, did I call him out? Nope. Why shoot down a sure before-the-new-year thing? 

The second best Christmas gift I received came from Delsean (name unchanged because...well...because I can).  Delsean (pictured at left) and I had the pleasure of meeting this past November. I was elbowing my way to the bar (what else is new), and he was the only thing that stood between me and my life source an adult beverage.  He started talking to me and I let it happen because I was thirsty (and the whole attention whore thing). While waiting for my libation, he asked to see my phone, and like a child in need of a toy to distract them from bothering you, I handed it over. 

Between growing impatient waiting for the bartender to return and worrying about whether or not Delsean would take off with my phone, I exchanged forced conversation pleasantries with him.  He mentioned something about calling himself from my phone (great), I smiled my preprogrammed smile, my drink came, and I was off to another section of the bar.

Later that night, Delsean reminded me that he stole had my phone number with a "hey lovely" text - his signature apparently. He has texted me nearly every day since, with zero response from me. His text assault will be glorified in a post to come, but his Christmas text was much too exceptional not to share. His Christmas group text, that is. 

Delsean chose his favorite ten girls (Yay, I was included!), and sent out his sweetly sincere holiday text.  I get it. I completely understand - he wanted to streamline his holiday wishes and not forget any of his HO, HO, HOs. 

Not only did he demand that I enjoy my holiday, he helped me do just that by including a suave seflie. Thanks for reminding me why I never respond to your texts, Delsean, and thanks for the awesome Christmas present.

Ah, the single life. Jealous?

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