Friday, July 13, 2012

OK, I'm Going To Come

In celebration of Friday the 13th...

Breaking a mirror, walking under a ladder, a black cat crossing your path, using the batteries from the smoke detector to power your vibrator: all widely accepted as contributors to bad luck. OK, so perhaps you're not as familiar with the last of the aforementioned. Fortunately, I'm here to warn you against battery thieving. At least, it's what I'm going to blame for the bad luck booty call that occurred soon thereafter.*

Booty calls are fairly easy to recognize, seeing as they typically fall between 11:00pm and predawn hours (this in no way negates a refreshing afternoon delight).  They're even easier to recognize should "Booty Call" populate the screen of your phone. Changing the contact name in your address book makes for a quick deciphering, but leaving said phone at your father's dinner table could make for an uncomfortable conversation (unless it's my dad, in which case you'd probably be high-fived). I think it's fantastic when people (read: girls) try to convince themselves they're not being booty called.  Yeah, your late night caller really wanted a recap of your last few days when they texted "What's up?" at 2am. Historically, I like to make sure nothing is lost in translation, and reply "Your penis?"

Sadly, I veered from straightforward and instead replied with what I thought was witty and flirtatious innuendo during a recent late night call-o-booty.

It's easiest if we follow a timeline of the evening...

Mike (11:02pm): Wyd pimp (Seriously?)
Me: Still recovering from my weekend. How's everything?
Mike: Wowwww stop partying so much (Stop judging so much.)
Me: Haha I just got into some day drinking. No harm, no foul.
Mike: Lol I see I'm in your town
Me: Is that right? What are you getting into? (Me?)
Mike: My boy had a golf tourney we on our way to city
Me: Oh fun. How long you here? Going out tonight?
Mike: Till tom am. Ya wyd
Me: Just got home from the gym a little ago. What are your plans?
Mike: No clue somewhere in the city u trying to come (Yes, in more ways than one.)
Me: For sure. Gonna hop in the shower. Let me know what's up.
Mike: Text me when u out I'm still trying to figure it out
Me (11:47pm): Any new developments?

...I washed my hair and shaved my legs.  Let's try something simpler.

Me (12:41am): Drinking?
Mike: Yesssirrrr. Heading to top of the standard
Me: Should I head down? Gonna be there for a while?

I read back through the conversation and realized the friend he was with was someone I really wanted to meet, a celebrity of sorts. Even though it was nearing 1am, I was fully prepared to get my ass in a cab and get down there.


Mike (1:22am): Ya im ready to come lay w u tho
Me: Well that would make my travels much shorter. (Oh, well)
Mike: Haha what's your address?
Me: (Insert my address here)


Mike (1:54am): Ok i'm going to come
Me: Is that a prediction? (See what I did there?...)
Mike: What (...because he didn't)

At this point, I decided that it's a good idea to get drunk.  I was on the phone with a girlfriend and asked her to FaceTime me so I wouldn't be drinking alone (nothing out of the usual when one lives alone).  The drinks were necessary because he would be drunk, and if I was going to put up with inebriated foreplay (read: an awkward hug hello at the door), I sure as hell needed to be near the same level.

Me: Haha never mind. Let me know when you're close.
Mike: Lol ok. But what did that mean.
Me: (Not really knowing how to explain the word "prediction" or the innuendo that went with it over text) I'll explain it when I see you.

After a while I decided that it was way too late for me to be waiting around (I mean, I am a lady after all - clearly).

Me (2:22am): I'm falling asleep - you coming?


Mike (2:47am): Yes stay up i'm trying to get everybody to leave
Me: What's the timeline? I'm fading pretty quickly...have work tomorrow
Mike: Lol I'm rounding everyone up boo. Stay upppppp! (Everyone?)
Me: Is everyone coming?
Mike: Lol noooooooooo
Me: Haha k well I'm going to shut my eyes. Call me when you're here.


Mike (3:23am): On my way
Mike: Stay up

I saw these messages, but decided I was over it.  I had already watched a few episodes of Girls and that was plenty satisfying for the night, or would have to be.

Mike (3:47am): Hello

Remember that time I got wasted by myself waiting for a "friend" to arrive only to fall asleep three hours later...on a Monday?

Lesson learned:  Don't use innuendo or words three syllables or greater when orchestrating an evening rendezvous with an athlete.  There's a reason they get paid not to sit behind desks.

*Mom, my entire blog is fiction.

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