Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How to Nail the Interview

The majority of us, at one point or another, will be required to sit for an interview, during which we will be asked a multitude of questions.  While some of these questions are straightforward (i.e. Are you willing to travel? What is the highest level of education you have completed?), others are designed to provoke different ideas on individual levels allowing the interviewer to better interpret your likelihood of success in the position you have applied for.  You know the ones I'm talking about - strengths, weaknesses, biggest failure, etc.  We are constantly told to put a positive spin on all of our answers.  "My greatest weakness is that I typically operate with urgency to complete a project while triple-checking it for accuracy." Not only do you sound like a kiss-ass, the interviewer knows you're simply regurgitating premeditated answers.  Instead, I would suggest honesty.  So, what are the right and honest answers to the tougher, complex interview questions?

What are your weaknesses? I consider myself a strong person; however, if I had to admit my weaknesses - a strong jawline coupled with five o'clock shadow and Jameson.

What are your strengths? I wish we had more time for this question, as I possess many strengths.  Narrowing it down to the mental rather than the physical (even though you didn't specify), I would have to say my strengths are disguising a low self-esteem with sarcasm and an innate ability to convince people in positions of authority of my sobriety regardless of my level of inebriation.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? I'm more of a live-in-the-moment person, as is typical for my generation - you're, what, a few years older than me?  You get it.  Actually, should we take advantage of this moment right now?  No?  OK.  Well, if I were to really consider it, I suppose, in five years, I see myself heading this company.  I'm a bit of an overachiever when I can score some Adderall, and fortunately for us, my friend's kid was just diagnosed with ADD/ADHD; so, I'm good to go for the near future.  In ten years, I'll likely be drinking 50% more than I currently do.  Coupled with a new Adderall addiction, I imagine that would lead to a stability problem.  We'd likely both be out of jobs by then due to my inability to lead this company.  It should be a fun run, though.

Why do you want to leave your current company? Well, we recently hired a new girl who's "real life hot," and this has really put a damper on my "office hot" title.  That and it's not so much that I want to leave them as it is they want to leave me.  I grew up without a father, though; so, I'm fairly accustomed to abandonment and the drinks steps you take to overcome it.
What can you offer us that someone else can not? An unbridled sense of self-loathing coupled with a curious level of narcissism that makes for some good stories at the water cooler.  Oh, and I am a great time at office parties.

Tell me about an accomplishment you are most proud of. Well, I wouldn't say that it's an accomplishment that I'm most proud of, but it certainly yielded immediate results. In high school I was awarded free fries at lunch because I put my entire fist in my mouth.  No, I literally put my fist in my mouth - here, watch...

Tell me about a time you made a mistake. Other than just a moment ago? Well, how much time do we have?

What is your dream job? We're getting a bit personal talking about dreams now, aren't we? My dream job? I would have to say, Heiress.

How did you hear about the position? Which position?  Most I learned in my early 20s, but some of the less intricate ones, I learned in college. 

Tell me how you handled a difficult situation. Once, I accidentally texted my mom when I had meant to text a boyfriend, and when I use "text" here, I clearly mean "sext." I just turned off my phone for a few days after that.  I have found that such strategy can extend to other circumstances.  Avoidance is key.  If you never admit a problem exists, you haven't any problems.  I think Gandhi said that.

What are your salary requirements? What are your attendance requirements?

What was your biggest failure? To date or a projection of things to come?  My biggest failure to date would have to be my inability to successfully date and wed a billionaire.  My biggest projected failure will likely be motherhood.

What motivates you? The letter B, generally.  Booze, boys, billionaires, bars, beer, bacon, blackouts, bed, bachelors, blindfolds, dicks (Ugh! I hate when I get my Bs and Ds mixed up), bail, beans, bored, and brevity, specifically.

How do you handle pressure? Quite well.  Often times, if I've been drinking, I even suggest a little more of it. 

What are your career goals? To get rich exerting as little energy as possible.

Are you a leader or a follower? Leader in shots consumed to body mass ratio.  Follower in the sense of orgasms - I never seem to finish first, if at all.  

What was the last book you’ve read for fun? I was babysitting this obnoxious miniature person last weekend.  She refused to go to sleep until she heard a bedtime story.  I pulled out my Kindle and read her the only bedtime story I had - Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  That was fun.

What are your hobbies? Please refer to my motivations.

What is your availability?  Well, I'm currently dating, but nothing too serious.

What makes you uncomfortable? Panties.  Not the word.  Actual undergarments.

How would you fire someone? The same way I break up with boyfriends - treat them terribly until they leave on their own.  Confrontation is just so confrontational - Abraham Lincoln.

What questions haven’t I asked you? Am I single?  However, you're a smart man - did I mention rather attractive in a mid-level-management kind of way? - I'm sure you've inferred my relationship status from my previous answers.

What questions do you have for me? Are you single?

Hopefully these suggestions help you land the best job of your career.  Of course, don't memorize each response.  Instead, tailor them with your common vernacular so that it appears organic and, most importantly, honest.  I cannot emphasize enough, honesty is essential.  In the spirit of candor, I suppose I should acknowledge the mistitling of this post.  Would "How to Nail the Interviewer" make more sense?


  1. what say we turn the tables and we interview you

    have you ever smoked crack cocaine?

    how much money do you make a year before taxes?

    are you currently harboring any fugitives?

    do you have any weapons on you right now?

    what's your wife like?

    largest thing you have placed in your anus, mistaken or otherwise?

    oprah barbara walters your wife you gotta fuck one marry one kill one BOOM GO.

    1. Excellent interview questions,


      .0000001% of what my boss makes.

      Do mythical creatures count?

      Yes, rohypnol.


      The bag of crack cocaine that I previously lied about never using.

      Oprah (So I can get knocked up and charge her child support). Barbara Walters (She's oldest and, therefore, closest to exiting the earth - I'll be remarried in no time). My hypothetical wife (She's a real bitch).