Wednesday, June 20, 2012

So Deep It's Shallow

I was lucky enough to attend a professional hockey game free of charge with a friend. By "attend" I mean "get ridiculously wasted at." Wasted or not - it's a sporting event - you better believe I'm going to be loud and obnoxious. However, it didn't become clear to me just how annoying I was until I said the word "masturbate" loud enough for the goalie to hear. Not that it mattered, though. He was in the midst of the most lackluster performance of his career - according to the "fan" behind me.

Unfortunately, more peeved than the goalie, was the man in the row in front of me with a little kid who resembled a boy recently in the news for making allegations against the church (perhaps every boy looked that way). As soon as Little Johnny heard the first syllable leave my lips, his head whipped around to see what charming, classy lady could have uttered it only to find my legs spread, air-humping the stranger's head in front of me. Sorry, young man.

As for the stranger in front of me, well, he thought I was intriguing (he's a fan of air-humping apparently). He was so fascinated that he invited my friend and me to join him at a bar following the game - because I obviously needed more to drink. Being avid fans of new friends and drinking, my friend and I obliged.

The assembled group quickly took to my not-so-lady-like humor, and flattered me enough (read: plowed me with strong drink after strong drink) to convince me to give each and every one of them my phone number on my way out. Because that's a good idea.

While most of them sent a few texts here and there, one of the lovely gentlemen took it upon himself to text-rape my phone. The conversation with said gentleman that night progressed as such:

Travis (11:59am): i want you so bad
Travis (12:05am): u smell great (I was arleady home at this point)
Travis (1:00am): i want u
Travis (1:09am): i want u (creative type)
Travis (1:18am): hey sexy
Travis (2:27am): 69 baby
Travis (2:31am): where r u
Travis (2:41am): ur smile kills me

Yes, you read correctly - I didn't respond once. Apparently, he became concerned for my safety and decided to call me ten minutes later. Well, not that there was a man in my bed at 3:00AM, but there was a man in my bed at 3:00AM, and, let's just say, he wasn't too happy about the late night texts. He was even more aggravated with the call. So, like any good friend, I let him answer the phone: "Hey, yeah, ya lookin’ for someone?" Silence. Hang up. 

That was easy enough. Text-rapist subdued. Well, you would think so, right? Wrong. Not missing a beat, he texts me the next day, "good morning." Wow this guy is bold. So bold, that when my friends found out later during happy hour, they insisted I write him back to provoke him further. So, with the help of my classy male associates, the conversation continued:

Me (& my friends): I'm so sorry. I was with my can we make this work? (lie #1)
Travis: u tell me. i can only talk when i'm at work. where do u live? we can meet in the city.
Me (& my friends): are you married too?
Travis: girlfriend. bad relationship
Me (& my friends): understandable - bad marriage and two annoying kids (lie #2)

After my last text, I headed home from happy hour. Without a beer in my hand or my friends at my side, the conversation no longer humored me. However, my suitor was, yet again, undeterred. He continued:

Travis: so what's the plan?
Travis (30 min later): i can't talk now but i'll text u tom nite
Travis (the next day): hey
Travis: u can text me anytime 2nite

Again, I ignored him. Then, I struck gold:

Travis: Hey. Im not gona text again. If u wana email me and we can set something up and ill send u some nudie pics.

"Nudie pics?" Now we're talking! I've been contemplating creating the e-mail address "goEVENdeeper" so that I can receive said pics. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll be a politician in need of a scandal, and I’ll be just the girl to help.

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