I was lucky enough to attend a professional hockey game free of charge with a friend. By "attend" I mean "get ridiculously wasted at." Wasted or not - it's a sporting event - you better believe I'm going to be loud and obnoxious. However, it didn't become clear to me just how annoying I was until I said the word "masturbate" loud enough for the goalie to hear. Not that it mattered, though. He was in the midst of the most lackluster performance of his career - according to the "fan" behind me.
Unfortunately, more peeved than the goalie, was the man in the row in front of me with a little kid who resembled a boy recently in the news for making allegations against the church (perhaps every boy looked that way). As soon as Little Johnny heard the first syllable leave my lips, his head whipped around to see what charming, classy lady could have uttered it only to find my legs spread, air-humping the stranger's head in front of me. Sorry, young man.
As for the stranger in front of me, well, he thought I was intriguing (he's a fan of air-humping apparently). He was so fascinated that he invited my friend and me to join him at a bar following the game - because I obviously needed more to drink. Being avid fans of new friends and drinking, my friend and I obliged.
The assembled group quickly took to my not-so-lady-like humor, and flattered me enough (read: plowed me with strong drink after strong drink) to convince me to give each and every one of them my phone number on my way out. Because that's a good idea.
Me (& my friends): I'm so sorry. I was with my husband...how can we make this work? (lie #1)
Travis: u tell me. i can only talk when i'm at work. where do u live? we can meet in the city.
Me (& my friends): are you married too?
Travis: girlfriend. bad relationship
Me (& my friends): understandable - bad marriage and two annoying kids (lie #2)
After my last text, I headed home from happy hour. Without a beer in my hand or my friends at my side, the conversation no longer humored me. However, my suitor was, yet again, undeterred. He continued:
Travis: so what's the plan?
Travis (30 min later): i can't talk now but i'll text u tom nite
Travis (the next day): hey
Travis: u can text me anytime 2nite
Again, I ignored him. Then, I struck gold:
Travis: Hey. Im not gona text again. If u wana email me and we can set something up and ill send u some nudie pics. godeeper22@____.com
"Nudie pics?" Now we're talking! I've been contemplating creating the e-mail address "goEVENdeeper" so that I can receive said pics. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll be a politician in need of a scandal, and I’ll be just the girl to help.