What can you offer us that someone else can not? An unbridled sense of self-loathing coupled with a curious level of narcissism that makes for some good stories at the water cooler. Oh, and I am a great time at office parties.
Tell me about an accomplishment you are most proud of. Well, I wouldn't say that it's an accomplishment that I'm most proud of, but it certainly yielded immediate results. In high school I was awarded free fries at lunch because I put my entire fist in my mouth. No, I literally put my fist in my mouth - here, watch...
Tell me about a time you made a mistake. Other than just a moment ago? Well, how much time do we have?
What is your dream job? We're getting a bit personal talking about dreams now, aren't we? My dream job? I would have to say, Heiress.
How did you hear about the position? Which position? Most I learned in my early 20s, but some of the less intricate ones, I learned in college.
Tell me how you handled a difficult situation. Once, I accidentally texted my mom when I had meant to text a boyfriend, and when I use "text" here, I clearly mean "sext." I just turned off my phone for a few days after that. I have found that such strategy can extend to other circumstances. Avoidance is key. If you never admit a problem exists, you haven't any problems. I think Gandhi said that.
What are your salary requirements? What are your attendance requirements?
What was your biggest failure? To date or a projection of things to come? My biggest failure to date would have to be my inability to successfully date and wed a billionaire. My biggest projected failure will likely be motherhood.
What motivates you? The letter B, generally. Booze, boys, billionaires, bars, beer, bacon, blackouts, bed, bachelors, blindfolds, dicks (Ugh! I hate when I get my Bs and Ds mixed up), bail, beans, bored, and brevity, specifically.
How do you handle pressure? Quite well. Often times, if I've been drinking, I even suggest a little more of it.
What are your career goals? To get rich exerting as little energy as possible.
What was the last book you’ve read for fun? I was babysitting this obnoxious miniature person last weekend. She refused to go to sleep until she heard a bedtime story. I pulled out my Kindle and read her the only bedtime story I had - Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach. That was fun.
What are your hobbies? Please refer to my motivations.
What is your availability? Well, I'm currently dating, but nothing too serious.
What makes you uncomfortable? Panties. Not the word. Actual undergarments.
How would you fire someone? The same way I break up with boyfriends - treat them terribly until they leave on their own. Confrontation is just so confrontational - Abraham Lincoln.
What questions haven’t I asked you? Am I single? However, you're a smart man - did I mention rather attractive in a mid-level-management kind of way? - I'm sure you've inferred my relationship status from my previous answers.
What questions do you have for me? Are you single?
Hopefully these suggestions help you land the best job of your career. Of course, don't memorize each response. Instead, tailor them with your common vernacular so that it appears organic and, most importantly, honest. I cannot emphasize enough, honesty is essential. In the spirit of candor, I suppose I should acknowledge the mistitling of this post. Would "How to Nail the Interviewer" make more sense?