Wednesday, February 20, 2013

How to Correctly Respond to a Craigslist Personal Ad

Not that there is much of an explanation necessary, but when I notice an exceptionally witty "male seeking female" advertisement on Craigslist, I respond with the sincerest of hearts.  Perhaps each of you can reach out to these two bros and put in a good word for me?  I'm currently awaiting a response with bated breath.

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The aforementioned ad:

My brother and I are looking for wedding dates for our cousin's wedding in majestic Saratoga, New York on March 23rd, 2013.

We've been told by the bride that bringing dates is "mandatory" so we "won't harass all of my friends all night" and "stay under control". Rather than ask some fringe women in our lives to go and face the inevitable 'does this mean he wants to take it to the next level!?' questions, we'd rather bring complete strangers and just figure it out. Still reading? In anticipation of your questions we've developed an FAQ section below.

Dave, Mike... What's in it for me?
• An excuse to get dressed up
• Open bar & food all night
• Eccentric/downright dangerous bro-2-bro dance moves (may need to sign a waiver)
• Adventure
• Mystery
• Suspense
• True Love
• Royalties once our night's story is developed into a romantic comedy*
*if this happens (we estimate the chances at 85%) we refuse the right to let Ashton Kutcher play either of our characters, however, we will consider him for a supporting role.

SO - What are you fellas like, anyway?

Oh us? We're both in our 20s, single, dashingly tall, Anglo-Saxon, respectfully athletic, love to party, completely house trained, relaxed, passionate, smell great, have cool hair, clean up nice, boast great tie collections, will promise to shave, love our mother, have seen Love Actually several times, controversial, provocative, short-sighted (with a big picture mentality), raw, emotional, sensitive but still bad boys.

What should us ladies be like?

You should respond in pairs as you'll want to know at least 1 person at this wedding. Sisters (twins?!) are preferable, but we'll take friends, or even enemies. You should be attractive or our aunts will judge you, but not TOO attractive or one of our uncles might grope you. You should be relaxed and easy going as we'll probably make up flattering lies about you on the spot. You should own a dress, or be able to acquire one because we don't have any. If (when) you respond you should send some pictures of yourself so we know you've met the above requirements. Feel free to include a resume; this is a classy wedding and we're looking for well-rounded women. Interesting/unique pairings are encouraged; don't be afraid to make yourself stand out!

This feels kinda creepy, are you guys Craigslist killers?

No. Well, if you want to be techni.. nevermind. No, we aren't. We just genuinely want to do something different and we don't see any other way to approach it. What would verify our normalness? Facebook? Instagram? We can have a pre-date screening (interview) prior to the wedding and play 20 questions over a coupla cocktails if you'd like?

We're IN! What now?

First off -- smart thinking. Email us, send along some pictures, information, high school athletic stats, questions, etc. We'll take it from there.

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My response to Dave and Mike:

Dearest Dave and Mike,

I hope this email finds you both dateless.

I came across your Craigslist ad today - was I perusing the Craigslist personals? No, it's not Saturday night for God's sake. I simply procrastinate by browsing BuzzFeed from time to time (OK, most of the day), and your ad was featured. So, off the bat, I'd like to congratulate the two of you on your internet fame - quite impressive. Even if it should be short-lived, it will undoubtedly be a story you tell over and over to each of your mistakes children and grandchildren in the years to come. However, I digress.

Like prostitutes that call themselves escorts, I'd like to apply my friend and myself to be your dates for your cousin's upcoming wedding for the following reasons:

1. We're great at wedding-ing. Yes, I have used wedding as a verb in this instance. In prime attend-a-friend's-wedding-6-times-a-year age, we both maintain a brilliant and decorated history with nuptials. Decorated in the sense that we are both bridal bouquet subjugators; brilliant in the sense that, well, we're rather smart. The latter portion of that statement might scare you, but fear not...

2. We're pretty great looking, and clean up even better. Obviously, I'm not asking that you take us at our word. As such, I have included some pictures of the two of us killing it at life.

3. Bad decisions make great stories. Sure, Craigslist's ads don't boast the most comforting of histories. People have died, many, if not most, of them women. People have been injured. People have been subjected to situations beyond their comfort zone. But fear not, my friend and I are hopeful. Hopeful that should we die, we do so partying. Should we be injured, we do so catching a bouquet. Should we be out of our comfort zone...wait, you said free booze, right? Yeah, we won't be out of our comfort zone.

4. We love brothers. We each have two. We dig them. We'll likely dig you.

5. We cut a mean rug. 'nough said (no waiver necessary).

6. Parents (family) love us. This is not specific to our parents, of course.

7. We love storytelling. As in, we'd love to go along with whatever story you gentlemen oh-so-brilliantly fabricate, and might even offer details of our own - don't worry, they'll be great.

8. We bleed class... at least we can play it off that way. We love dressing up and crossing our legs at the ankle as to not disturb the napkin delicately placed upon our laps while drinking beers champagne, pinkies up. We won't embarrass you, trust.

9. We're single and we're free on March 23rd. Yeah, we figured these had potential to be deal-breakers.

10. See numbers one through nine.

So, what do you say? Let's stalk each other's Facebooks, Twitters, and Instagrams, and get to know each other the old fashion way.

In hopes that you are no longer dateless,

Lily and Cane

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How'd I do?

Update here

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