Thursday, February 9, 2017

Like a Moth to a Flame (2011 Throwback)

I recently perused my original blog, Silly Lily, Adulthood isn't for Kids (active 2010-2011), and thought it would be fun to post some throwbacks (kids these days love a good #tbt). Silly Lily had been posted under my full name and came to its demise the day I started a new desk job and discovered my trading floor nickname was "Sex Blogger" (it was by no means a sex blog, but it did call a few people out on their less-than-tasteful antics). I am fairly certain the below throwback was the very post that earned me the nickname, but I can never be certain. 

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Originally posted Tuesday, February 1, 2011 | Footnotes from 2017
NSFW WARNING: SEXUALLY EXPLICIT ANIMATIONS BELOW

WHY am I so lucky? I haven't known any other girl to attract the number of upstanding gentlemen that I do. There must be something about me that screams, "Yes, I love inappropriate sexual advances in the form of physical contact, text messages, and/or emails. Of course, I'd love for you to send me a picture of your penis! I love being demoralized to nothing more than a mouth and vagina." Girls, if you need some tips on how to exude such signals to the masses, come hang out with me; apparently, I'm great at it.1

Case in point:

The following is a conversation between yours truly and a friend. Actually, "friend" is the wrong word. More like, "a random dude my friend hooked up with once and messages me whenever he has some lame bar to promote."2 Yes, I think that more accurately describes him (as politely as possible). Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I have never hooked up with this guy.3 I think the farthest I've ever gone with him was an awkward hug back in '09. Lucky me, he still keeps in touch. Unlucky me, he keeps in touch in hopes to touch...4

To further preface, I realized early on that this had blog potential,5 therefore, I didn't decline his advances outright. I was just too curious about what a douchesack this guy could prove to be. Also, as an obviously single girl, I went with the typical "I have a boyfriend" excuse, but, of course, that only fueled the fire.
    Him: Yo6
    Me: Yo
    Him: I have a question
    Me: What's up?
    Him: Never mind
    Me: ?
    Him: I just woke. I my other head I'd thinking [sic(to note: this convo was at 1:30pm)
    Me: Haha
    Him: Wanted to know if u like/are good at doing the deed
    Me: Would anyone answer anything but yes to that question?
    Him: I think I want
    Him: Cool?
    Me: sex?
    Him: I was talking abour [sic] oral
    Him: :D
    Me: ha, what would be in that for me?
    Him: Your wish is my command
    Me: hmm, I'll have to think it
    Him: The only thing really to consider is when. Ur [sic] getting anything u want. No brainer
    Me: Is that right? Well my bf might not approve
    Him: What people don't know doesn't hurt them
    Him: Boyfriends in the city is like wearing a condom when jerking off. Completely un necessary [sic]
    Him: During lunch hours when your [sic] liteally [sic] 2 min away could work out perfectly7
    Him: And u have yet to see my brand new apartment. Come over for a little right now. Its friday fuck work [sic]
    Me: sorry, can't, busy day
    Him: What time can u tipy [sic] toe over for a few minutes
    Me: can't be too sure
    Him: Before 5?
    Me: prob not
    *sends picture of his erect penis*8
    Him: think i need a penis enlargement? Come by stop being chicken [sick of typing "sic"]
    Him: So anyway back to our arangement [sic]
    Him: Should work out well
    Him: Choose 1 without cheating n that would be your task for tonight.
    *sends the following pictures alongside their accompanying numbers*
1)   2)    3) 

4)   5)   6) 


7)   8)   9) 

10)

All of these images were links in the message that led to .gif files - meaning they move.9 Number eight seems to be the magic number because it's the only one that stayed true to it's file type when I emailed the conversation to myself. Guess I should tell him number eight it is?

More importantly - seriously? I get the whole "sexting" thing, but this takes it to an entirely different level. Was he expecting me to actually respond to any of that?10 What's with the unsubtle transition to a pic of his boner?11

I'm beginning to really think this personality of mine is leading to my demise (or has it already?). Like a moth to a flame, I suppose a crude/vulgar/dry personality attracts such exchanges. I guess I should practice being more ladylike. Is there a class on that? Do they teach it at happy hour? Suppose I'll get to googling it.12

...and boys, please, no more unwanted/unannounced penis shots. It's not as big as you think it is.13

1. Happy to see my bitchiness sense of sarcasm hasn't lessened over the years. 
2. God, I don't miss promoters nor the days before blocking a number was easy. 
3. Remains true to this day (and technically always will because, you know, marriage and fidelity and what not). 
4. I see what you did there, 2011 Lily. 
5. Yes, live for the blog 2011 Lily because 2017 Lily is no longer able. 
6. Apparently, I wasn't aware of screenshots and typed the entire convo out. Were they around in 2011? Probably, but I'm too lazy to research it. 
7. Why did you ever let this guy know where you worked, 2011 Lily? 
8. So much for full disclosure - where's the dick pic, 2011 Lily? 
9. I have a vague memory of actually researching what these files were called so I could properly reference them in the post. A strange feeling to discover the exact moment you first learned about something that is now wildly popular. 
10. I didn't. 
11. Apparently it wasn't at all impressive since footnote three exists. 
12. I didn't. 
13. Preach.