Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Few Notes Before We Begin Down This Road Again

So, yeah, a few things:

1.) My self loathing has evolved in an aggressive way when it comes to my lack of posts.  I apologize for my hiatus, but book chapters seemed priority level one (well, priority level two, seeing as intoxicated bad decisions always occupy seat uno).

B.) I'm officially in my late 20s, so expect new posts to be overloaded with pessimism and lies.  Pessimism because eight-year-old-Lily saw present-day-Lily as a multimillionaire architect specializing in four bedroom houses boasting highly-sought-after wrap-around porches (my upbringing involved very few porches, let alone wrap-around marvels). Lies because the mentors of my youth spat nothing but deception in regard to my future.  Now, as I near thirty, I still find wrap-around porches sexy (unfortunately, they're mostly found in bankrupt Detroit or the vampire-filled south) and I lie to all youth I encounter - I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way (that last part was borrowed - sorry your daughter is marrying your son). 

3.) I missed you, too (lie one).

4.) The repugnant pizza establishment that catered to my physical demise (see NYPD Blues), has been shut down by the health department quite recently →. Blessed be God forever (also borrowed). 

5.) I'm running the New York City ING Marathon November 3rd.  This is humorous in and of itself, and now that I've written it here, it's real (ignore any future edits to this post).

6.) I've stopped drinking and started attending daily mass (lie two).

7.) Posts will come once a week, likely on hump days because humping is fun.  Don't freak out if I post more than once here and there - I like to write intoxicated and it just so happens I consume alcoholic beverages more than once a week ("socially" if my doctor asks).

8.) I'm digging slutty Miley Cyrus.  No, seriously, this isn't my third lie.  I really enjoy the whore she's working lately - she has inspired me to twerk on the daily (which has made for awkward office encounters).  Can we all pull for her to maintain her birth control regiment, though.  Britney was slutty fun until she got knocked up, and we all know where it went from there.

9.) My mother still encourages me to focus on reflecting religious qualities in my writing and refuses to read my blog (for the best), even though she will be the first to tell you her daughter's writing landed her on Good Morning America (insert shameless plug here, GMA loves me)

10.) I am no longer single (Also not lie three - I'm just as surprised as you).

See you August 1st with some new mistakes.

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