Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Girls, Avoid These Guys

When we were kids, we were constantly reminded not to pick on others.  Now that we're adults, we live to judge everyone that passes by.  We simply found a better term for it: People Watching.  It's similar to revamping a resume to read better.  Instead of "teach asshole high school students who will likely become dropouts," you opt for, "create curriculum and implement lesson plans for the leaders of tomorrow."  There is always a way to manufacture a preferred representation.  Unfortunately, too few of us take advantage of changing a few details here and there to actualize a better outcome. Take your name, for example.  When was the last time you changed it?  If the answer is "never," you have some work to do.

What your name says about you, gentlemen (more so - Who to avoid, ladies):

Alexander: [Origin: Greek - Protector of Men] As the eldest of four, you grew up looking after your siblings - acting as their protector.  It's too bad you weren't a better protector of your swimmers.  You never wanted a big family, but because your high school sweetheart didn't believe in birth control as much as she did in alcohol or sexual promiscuity, you have six kids (two of which you're not sure are yours). True to your name, however, you watch over your six mistakes heroically whenever you stumble home from the bar, which you frequent after your 11-hour shift at the car wash.  They all respect you as much as your wife respects her fidelity.  On the bright side, they serve as an excellent tax write-off, which funds your nightly escape into a bottle of whiskey.

Anthony: [Origin: English - Highly Praiseworthy] The CEO of a tech startup, you are the envy of all of your peers.  Sure, you were bullied as a kid, but look at how far you've come!  Now that you have enough money, anyone will like you for the right price.  So your wife spends more time with her trainer stretching her legs overhead than she does with you, the important thing is that she loves your wallet and always will as long as it stays as thick as her trainer's -er - biceps.  From the outside looking in, you've got it all and you have convinced yourself of the same. No one guesses for a second that you are trying to prove a thing when you reach across two pews to drop a hundred dollar bill into the collection plate at mass each Sunday.  Everyone yearns for your level of happiness.

Brian: [Origin: Celtic - Strong One] A star athlete from a young age, you have always been bigger, faster, and stronger than everyone around you.  You have never had to try with women and guys are always trying to be one of your bros.  Peaking in high school, though, was an unfortunate circumstance.  Having to leave college after tearing your ACL and losing your scholarship has landed you back in your hometown where you now coach the high school football team, stroking your beer belly from the sidelines.  The tattoo that meant so much to you at the age of 18 - "desire to play" written in Kanji - has acquired an entirely different meaning in your mid-twenties - "desire to play...with yourself." Try to keep your hands off the underage cheerleaders and you'll be just fine leading your mediocre life.

Christopher: [Origin: Greek - Christ-bearer] Just an "opher" away from Christ.  That alone paves a meticulous path to a beautiful life.  Similar to Christ in every way but his young death (and that whole God thing), you experience every happiness just as you provide it for so many.  A self-starter, you built your fortune through your exquisite carpentry and have never let it get to your head - never once have you showed off by walking on water.  All you need to remember is to avoid prostitutes so you avoid poverty and always bring your own booze to a wedding in case you become too intoxicated to pull off the water-to-wine trick (read: miracle). Save that one for the ladies.

Daniel: [Origin: Hebrew - God is my judge] Too bad you'll come to meet the faces of many a judge when you live a life I'll refer to as Felony-Misdemeanor.  Similar to pot acting as a gateway drug, your failure to return crayons to your classmates in first grade will lead to your seven year stint in the Big House for neglecting to return that car you found parked in an unmanned lot.  Fortunately, your continued focus on carefully handling the soap leads you to the development a brilliant invention now found in every shower across the nation. You've become institutionalized, however, and cannot help yourself from embezzling money just for the hell of it.  At least your commissary account will always remain full.

David: [Origin: Hebrew - Friend] You've met and charmed the parents of every one of your girl the best friend. A combination of the excessive acne you battled in high school and your overall diminished self-esteem have created a personality that always lands you in the friend zone. Even your own penis friend zones you at times because of your refusal to take down the yellowing posters you've had taped to your wall since the 90s.  If Ferrah Fawcett's family could bury her, you can retire her red swimsuited smile you've been jerking it to since the moment you figured out what your sweaty appendage was for.  It's time to move on - from your platonic friendships and your monotonous past.  Try online dating.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How to Nail the Interview

The majority of us, at one point or another, will be required to sit for an interview, during which we will be asked a multitude of questions.  While some of these questions are straightforward (i.e. Are you willing to travel? What is the highest level of education you have completed?), others are designed to provoke different ideas on individual levels allowing the interviewer to better interpret your likelihood of success in the position you have applied for.  You know the ones I'm talking about - strengths, weaknesses, biggest failure, etc.  We are constantly told to put a positive spin on all of our answers.  "My greatest weakness is that I typically operate with urgency to complete a project while triple-checking it for accuracy." Not only do you sound like a kiss-ass, the interviewer knows you're simply regurgitating premeditated answers.  Instead, I would suggest honesty.  So, what are the right and honest answers to the tougher, complex interview questions?

What are your weaknesses? I consider myself a strong person; however, if I had to admit my weaknesses - a strong jawline coupled with five o'clock shadow and Jameson.

What are your strengths? I wish we had more time for this question, as I possess many strengths.  Narrowing it down to the mental rather than the physical (even though you didn't specify), I would have to say my strengths are disguising a low self-esteem with sarcasm and an innate ability to convince people in positions of authority of my sobriety regardless of my level of inebriation.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? I'm more of a live-in-the-moment person, as is typical for my generation - you're, what, a few years older than me?  You get it.  Actually, should we take advantage of this moment right now?  No?  OK.  Well, if I were to really consider it, I suppose, in five years, I see myself heading this company.  I'm a bit of an overachiever when I can score some Adderall, and fortunately for us, my friend's kid was just diagnosed with ADD/ADHD; so, I'm good to go for the near future.  In ten years, I'll likely be drinking 50% more than I currently do.  Coupled with a new Adderall addiction, I imagine that would lead to a stability problem.  We'd likely both be out of jobs by then due to my inability to lead this company.  It should be a fun run, though.

Why do you want to leave your current company? Well, we recently hired a new girl who's "real life hot," and this has really put a damper on my "office hot" title.  That and it's not so much that I want to leave them as it is they want to leave me.  I grew up without a father, though; so, I'm fairly accustomed to abandonment and the drinks steps you take to overcome it.
What can you offer us that someone else can not? An unbridled sense of self-loathing coupled with a curious level of narcissism that makes for some good stories at the water cooler.  Oh, and I am a great time at office parties.

Tell me about an accomplishment you are most proud of. Well, I wouldn't say that it's an accomplishment that I'm most proud of, but it certainly yielded immediate results. In high school I was awarded free fries at lunch because I put my entire fist in my mouth.  No, I literally put my fist in my mouth - here, watch...

Tell me about a time you made a mistake. Other than just a moment ago? Well, how much time do we have?

What is your dream job? We're getting a bit personal talking about dreams now, aren't we? My dream job? I would have to say, Heiress.

How did you hear about the position? Which position?  Most I learned in my early 20s, but some of the less intricate ones, I learned in college. 

Tell me how you handled a difficult situation. Once, I accidentally texted my mom when I had meant to text a boyfriend, and when I use "text" here, I clearly mean "sext." I just turned off my phone for a few days after that.  I have found that such strategy can extend to other circumstances.  Avoidance is key.  If you never admit a problem exists, you haven't any problems.  I think Gandhi said that.

What are your salary requirements? What are your attendance requirements?

What was your biggest failure? To date or a projection of things to come?  My biggest failure to date would have to be my inability to successfully date and wed a billionaire.  My biggest projected failure will likely be motherhood.

What motivates you? The letter B, generally.  Booze, boys, billionaires, bars, beer, bacon, blackouts, bed, bachelors, blindfolds, dicks (Ugh! I hate when I get my Bs and Ds mixed up), bail, beans, bored, and brevity, specifically.

How do you handle pressure? Quite well.  Often times, if I've been drinking, I even suggest a little more of it. 

What are your career goals? To get rich exerting as little energy as possible.

Are you a leader or a follower? Leader in shots consumed to body mass ratio.  Follower in the sense of orgasms - I never seem to finish first, if at all.  

What was the last book you’ve read for fun? I was babysitting this obnoxious miniature person last weekend.  She refused to go to sleep until she heard a bedtime story.  I pulled out my Kindle and read her the only bedtime story I had - Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  That was fun.

What are your hobbies? Please refer to my motivations.

What is your availability?  Well, I'm currently dating, but nothing too serious.

What makes you uncomfortable? Panties.  Not the word.  Actual undergarments.

How would you fire someone? The same way I break up with boyfriends - treat them terribly until they leave on their own.  Confrontation is just so confrontational - Abraham Lincoln.

What questions haven’t I asked you? Am I single?  However, you're a smart man - did I mention rather attractive in a mid-level-management kind of way? - I'm sure you've inferred my relationship status from my previous answers.

What questions do you have for me? Are you single?

Hopefully these suggestions help you land the best job of your career.  Of course, don't memorize each response.  Instead, tailor them with your common vernacular so that it appears organic and, most importantly, honest.  I cannot emphasize enough, honesty is essential.  In the spirit of candor, I suppose I should acknowledge the mistitling of this post.  Would "How to Nail the Interviewer" make more sense?